You wake up one day feeling overwhelmed with the challenging things going on in your life. You need a break. You are looking for some relaxation. You head to the spa, get a massage and your body feels great throughout the day. Your mind feels refreshed. But you wake up the next day, feeling overwhelmed again.
Or let’s imagine another day when you wake up feeling overwhelmed with the challenging things going on in your life. You need a break. You want to stop overthinking. So, you either go to the shopping mall or you buy some things online. The dopamine hits you and you feel rewarded when you look at your purchases or the parcels that you receive. Fast forward to two weeks later, you are overwhelmed again.
Now don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting pampered at the salon. Sometimes you need that confidence boost that the haircut or the facial gives you. Nothing wrong in getting a massage once a month. Your body deserves it. Even the 5am club suggests getting massages after intensely productive days.
There’s also nothing wrong with buying that perfume that you dreamt of, all your life. Or buying something
that makes you feel good. Retail therapy does give a dopamine hit that makes you feel rewarded.
But let me explain what’s going on psychologically here. There’s a thing called hedonic consumption1.
Hedonic consumption means when people are purchasing goods or services for pleasure (once their basic
needs are already fulfilled).
For instance, say you purchased something you liked on that overwhelming day, or got that awesome haircut,
which you believe will give you pleasure (hedonic consumption). That item or haircut did bring you a lot of
enjoyment, but over time, you become habitual of it. One day, you realize you are still overwhelmed and
probably feel the same you did before you even got that spa day or the shopping spree.
This is what psychologists call “hedonic adaptation”.2 Because your happiness levels have now gone back to
normal after being high for a while. You have now adapted to the thing or look that brought you happiness.
Since you were already overwhelmed, it did little to soothe you and reduce your pain over the long-term.
So how about we think of self-care as a unique plan that’s custom for you and your needs? Oh no, we are not
removing the massage days, or facial, or shopping from it. We are just going to place those activities for
those days where we are not so overwhelmed from a long time. These activities would be suited for days
when we would be happy with short-term pleasure. And once that pleasure level goes down, we will not be
overly distressed. This works better than using these activities to solve a complicated distressing situation
that will take a longer time to resolve.
Let’s redefine self-care! Let’s look at self-care as a plan or routine that is beyond the quick fix, or instant
reward. A self-care plan that brings long-term relaxation and sense of reward along with short-term comfort
too.
A solid self-care consists of a comprehensive way to nurture your physical, mental, and emotional health. Genuine self-care involves the intentional act of nourishing yourself on multiple levels. It’s not just about temporarily escaping stress; it’s about actively rebuilding your inner resources to deal with stress.
Self-care is not about being self-indulgent or selfish—it’s about practicing self-compassion. Sounds like a big word, but it’s simply acknowledging that you deserve the same kindness and understanding you are ready to give to others. We are all taught to be kind, and that is an important virtue. Being kind-hearted towards other living beings around us is what is keeping the world running while we are on the brink of economic, humanitarian, environmental disasters. But extending the same kindness and forgiveness to yourself when you make a mistake, or a wrong decision, or when problems are increasing every day, is just as important.
True self-care involves addressing your emotions. Rather than numbing or avoiding emotions through work, alcohol, food, sex etc., it’s about recognizing, understanding, and managing them.
Self-care also works on personal growth and development. It’s about setting boundaries with people to protect your energy and allowing yourself the freedom to explore new interests, skills, and experiences.
In a society that often pressures us to measure self-worth by external accomplishments, the true essence of self-care becomes even more important. Consistently working on all of the above mentioned principles of self-care will help you understand your identity and how to help yourself through difficult times, and embrace your full emotions in your most happy, successful times.
So where do you start?
Make it a practice to think of the following questions in your everyday life:
- How am I feeling about this situation?
- Is there are any other emotion behind the primary emotion that’s coming up? Let’s say there’s anger, is there anything beyond that anger? Maybe there’s sadness or disappointment? Let’s say there’s a sense of accomplishing a goal, is there joy beyond that accomplished feeling? Is there relief that it’s done? Is there excitement?
- What do I truly need right now? Is it more sleep? Is it rest? Is it food? Is it space or to be left alone for a while? Or do I need supportive friends around me?
- How is my body responding to this? Am I in the freeze mode where it feels like I am stuck, or am I in the fight mode where I just want to go and take some sort of action, or am I in the flight mode where I just want to escape the situation?
- How can I support myself right now? Do I say something comforting to myself? Do I do something to distract myself for a while?
- What brings me joy in life? What brings me hope in life?
- What is it in particular that is scaring me or making me upset about a stressful situation?
Maybe after all of these questions, you decide that you need to escape right now and get some quiet time. And you go for a salon trip, but here’s the difference. This time you were mindful of your decision. You were mindful of what you needed and how you are feeling and how your body is responding. Maybe you decided to doodle and it helped put your overthinking mind at ease. Maybe you decided to talk to a friend, and you got the much needed clarity and support. Whatever you decide to do, it is out of pure awareness and support for yourself rather than looking for an instant solution.
I can hear you asking me, “But Qintra, what activities can I incorporate?”
I’ll be happy to share some ideas. But the most important thing is to pick and add what works the best for your goal of improving your life. Creative expressions such as art may work for some, while journaling our thoughts may work for others. As long as you’re nurturing your physical, mental and emotional health, you can mix’n’match,
- Every morning, spend some time paying attention to your body. Do you feel well-rested after your sleep? Is there are any tiredness? How do your emotions about the day ahead feel in your body?
- Do a brain dump every morning or at night before sleeping.3 What is a brain dump? Take 1-3 pages and write down whatever’s on your mind. This may include anxieties, items on your to-do list, future planning, nagging decisions, work deadlines, and emotions. Keep changing the topics if there are a lot of things on your mind. This will unload and bring clarity to your mind, help you sleep better or wake up feeling lighter.
- Engaging in regular physical activity, such as walking, jogging, running, dance, yoga, or swimming, can help release endorphins, reduce stress hormones, and promote overall physical and mental wellbeing. Getting your body to move will help your nervous system get regulated. Spend time in nature, go out for a walk, or if you have a terrace or rooftop, make sure that you have a morning or a night walk to help you pause and recharge.
- Consuming a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, whole grains, and healthy fats can provide your body with essential nutrients that support your nervous system and physical health. Make sure that you are well hydrated throughout the day.4
- Prioritize getting 7-9 hours of quality sleep each night. Sleep is essential for nervous system recovery and overall maintenance of your body.
- Look for different fun deep breathing techniques. My favourite is the rollercoaster breathing. Deep breathing when your body is stressed out can activate the parasympathetic nervous system that brings relaxation and rest.5
- Take a cold shower to regulate your nervous system when you are having anxiety as it will help your vagus nerve regulation. Take a warm shower after a long, productive day when your muscles need soothing.6
- Engage in creative activities you enjoy, such as painting, writing, playing a musical instrument, or crafting. These activities can help reduce stress and promote relaxation.7
- Limit screentime before bed, feel free to take a social media break. Also, sometimes it’s okay to mindlessly scroll. Just know when to start your phone break or stop the scrolling.8
- Spend time with your loved ones and friends. Allow yourself to immerse in experiences where you feel connected to your social circle, family, partner.8
- Take some time out of your day, even if it is 5 minutes to stay in the silence and stillness. Try a guided meditation, if sitting in silence and stillness is new to you.9
- Seek professional help. Investing in good counselling, or therapy, or somatic/body-based healing10 such as yoga or Tension Release Exercise (TRE) sessions10 brings extremely helpful results in the long-term.
There’s so much more that goes into this, but I hope that this gives you a good direction on where to start and what to prioritize. This may seem very different than the ways of self-care we have seen on social media and movies, but these have been proven scientifically and bring results that last for a long time. I have seen people transforming their lives with consistent small steps and modifications in their self-care plans, and I am sure you are going to be the next one!
If you need more guidance, feel free to contact me for one-on-one consultation where we can work on addressing your unique needs, situations and what would work best for you!
